Many of my clients suffer from a lack of confidence. They are highly educated and talented women. But at some point in their lives, they allowed negative feedback or situations to undermine their self-esteem and that has continued to affect their performance and success every day.
Shutterstock
Just last week, I asked one of my clients if she could recall a time in her life when she was more confident. She spoke at length about her wonderful childhood and her outstanding academic success. She always felt competent and able to tackle any situation at work. But then there a specific incident that triggered her. Years ago, one of her bosses commented to her, ‘You’re not as smart as you think you are’. And that did it. That statement unlocked her deep seeded fear that she wasn’t smart enough or good enough to succeed.
Once a limiting belief is triggered and activated, your outlook changes. You see everything through a new filter. You look for validation daily that you aren’t smart enough. And of course you will always find something that confirms this belief. For example, someone offers a different opinion than yours in a meeting. Instead of acknowledging the comment or being open to discussing it, you remain silent, or immediately get defensive and start beating yourself up. ‘Why didn’t I think of that? Obviously, I’m not smart enough!’
This is just one example from one client, but I’ve seen this over and over again with the women I work with. Their lack of confidence affects their ability to reach their full potential. Whether perfectionism or the imposter syndrome is the cause, the negative self- talk erodes their confidence as they look for proof that they will ultimately not succeed. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The good news is that we can rewire our brain with focus and intention. And although our fears and limiting beliefs won’t completely disappear, over time they lose their power over our daily thoughts and actions. Practicing mindfulness and meditation supports building new neural pathways, and consistently reciting positive mantras supports more positive thinking and self-talk.
During my work with clients, I will often give them an exercise on this topic and ask them to reflect on how their life and career would be different if they were more confident.
Here are some responses from clients.
If I were more confident…
I would be in a role I enjoy, doing work I enjoy, and growing in my profession.
A lack of confidence can have a dramatic effect on your career. It will keep you in your comfort zone because you that’s where you feel safe with little risk of failure. This prevents you from leaving a bad work situation, seeking stretch assignments, or applying for a new position. You risk of losing your motivation and it undermines your self-esteem over time.
Try saying this mantra: I believe in my ability to find and succeed in a fulfilling career.
If I were more confident…
I’d allow myself to make mistakes and learn lessons from them.
In order to grow personally and professionally, you need to be willing to take some risks and make mistakes. You can start small with something that has little risk and start to build this muscle. Gradually take on more risk. Be curious and expand your horizon.
Try this mantra: I’m open to trying something new and I’m confident that I can learn from this experience, whatever the outcome.
If I were more confident…
I’d ask questions, listen, and respond in an objective way. Because I’m worried I won’t say the right thing, I say nothing.
A lack of confidence holds you back from speaking up in meetings and voicing your opinion. How many times have you said to yourself, ‘He/she said what I was going to say’? But you didn’t open your mouth and so no one knows how you think and what you have to offer. You run the risk of being invisible which can be damaging to your career. You will be overlooked when it comes to promotions, raises, or special assignments.
Try this mantra: I am smart and thoughtful and have a lot to contribute to my team and the organization.
If I were more confident…
I would be clear and direct in my communication and not use minimizing language or find ways to soften my statements.
A lack of confidence makes it difficult to communicate assertively. You end your sentences with a question. You use qualifying words such as kind of, sort of, which minimize the effect of what you are attempting to say. Your discomfort with assertive communication leads you to talk too much after making a strong statement instead of remaining quiet and waiting for input from others. The lack of conviction leads others to question your thinking and contributes to their perception that you are not a valued contributor. In fact, they may see you as a weak player.
Try this mantra: I am confident in my ability to communicate clearly and directly to others.
If I were more confident…
I’d question myself a whole lot less; a whole lot less.
How much time do you spend questioning if you’re doing or saying the right thing? The time you spend questioning yourself can be spent in a more productive way. The inner dialogue keeps you from taking positive action on your behalf or for others. You are too consumed with self-doubt to be proactive and therefore your only option is to be reactive. You aren’t seen as a leader.
Try this mantra: I take positive action on behalf of others as well as myself.
If I were more confident…
I’d be less defensive and more open to receiving constructive feedback. In fact, I’d ask for it on a regular basis.
No successful career was ever built in a vacuum. You need to get regular feedback on your work not only for validation that you’re on the right path, but so that you get an objective point of view and learn how to improve your performance.
Try this mantra: I value feedback from others and I’m open to receiving feedback in order to grow professionally.
If I were more confident…
I wouldn’t be consumed by the thought that everyone else is smarter and more successful than I or view their success as a mark against my self-worth.
When you lack confidence, you spend more time thinking and worrying about what other people are doing than focusing on your own competence and potential. This focus on others robs you of the positive energy you need to fuel your ambition and reach your objectives. The external focus validates that you’re not good enough or smart enough to succeed.
Try this mantra: I have the talent to reach my full potential and I celebrate the success of others as well as my own.
If I were more confident…
I’d be happier and my relationships would be healthier.
Low self-esteem can lead to depression. A negative mindset undermines your success and also your relationships as you don’t show up as the best version of yourself. In some cases, you may not even know what that best self looks like. You tolerate toxic relationships too long and not stand up for yourself when appropriate.
Try this mantra: I love myself unconditionally and freely express my love for others.
Can you related to any of these statements? How would you answer the question, if I were more confident how would my life and career be different?
If you found this article valuable, please follow me on Twitter and check out my website and book, The Politics of Promotion: How High Achieving Women Get Ahead and Stay Ahead for additional resources.
Originally published at Forbes