Hillary Clinton once said, “It is important to learn how to take criticism seriously but not personally.” It’s excellent advice, but if you’ve ever been criticized (and let’s face it, who hasn’t?) you’ll know that it’s easier said than done, even when it’s given in the gentlest of ways with the best of intentions. That’s because hearing critical feedback strikes at the heart of two core human needs — the need to learn and grow, and the need to be accepted just the way we are. Consequently, even a gentle suggestion to do something differently can leave us feeling wounded. Encouragement not to “take it personally” often does little to soften the blow.
Yet, as Clinton, a woman who’s had more criticism directed her way than most, has also said, “Critics can be your best friends if you listen to them, and learn from them, but don’t get dragged down by them. ” Learning to do that is as important to your growth and success in work and life as your willingness to offer others constructive feedback is to theirs. It’s also good for your company – organizations that provide regular employee feedback report a 14.9% lower turnover rate.
Many people are very reticent when it comes to giving critical feedback. It’s because we’re so uncomfortable with the emotions that can arise from it—our own and others’. We hate to offend and we loathe hurting other people’s feelings or inciting resentment, which only exacerbates existing issues. The safer option is to simply say nothing, let people continue on as they are, and just hope they’ll eventually realize how their behavior is hurting them and impacting others. But problematic behaviors that may seem obvious to you are rarely obvious to the person exhibiting them. Let’s face it; if it were easy to see how our actions limited our success we’d be more proactive in changing them!
Which is why, if you can see that someone is acting in a way that limits their success (or effects your own), you do them a profound disservice if you shy away from giving them feedback for fear of causing offence. Of course, that’s not to say you should walk around dishing out your version of ‘constructive criticism’ all day (as self-satisfying as that may be!) However, whether it’s someone you’re managing or someone you simply care about seeing do better, integrity calls you to stop playing so safe and to lay your own comfort on the line for the sake of the good your feedback might do.
Feedback should be given considerately, with the highest of intentions for the person you’re giving it to. So, as I say in the video above filmed for RawCourage.TV, before you open your mouth to offer feedback, take time to get really clear about why you want to give it and howdoing so will provide a genuine service to the person you’re giving it to.
Likewise, criticism that comes from fear—or the fear-related emotions of insecurity, defensiveness, anxiety, anger, jealousy or pride—is guaranteed not to land well and will likely just amplify defensiveness. Sure, you may get something off your chest, vent your frustration and put someone back in their place, but at what cost to trust, performance and your future relationship?
When it comes to actually delivering the feedback, it’s important to focus on the behavior you want to see more of , rather than the behavior you’re hoping will change. Using the four-step ACED model below, which I wrote about in my latest book Brave: 50 Everyday Acts of Courage To Thrive in Work, Love and Life, will give you a structure to “ace” your feedback next time you feel brave enough to give it.
The ACED Feedback Model
Ask For Permission
No-one enjoys hearing feedback about what they aren’t doing well, but they’ll take it on better if you first ask if they’d like to receive it. Just ask, “Can I share some feedback with you that I hope will be helpful?” This simple question can reframe your words from being about you making a judgment to you trying to be helpful. When my client Lisa actively sought feedback, she asked for three specific things she could do better. Doing so made it safer for others to be candid with her. By asking for permission to give feedback, you make it safer for the person hearing it.
Current Behavior
Be specific in describing the current behavior you want to give feedback on. Provide context by defining the “where” and “when” of the recent situation you’re referring to. Just don’t waffle on. Be clear, concise and come armed with recent examples to illustrate what you’re talking about. For example, “During this morning’s meeting, when you gave your presentation …”
Most of us aren’t fully aware of how we “show up” for those around us. Hearing that people find us abrupt or unfocused, difficult or disorganized can feel like a punch in the gut. So go gently in sharing the effect that you see someone’s behavior has on you and other people and how it can impact their future. Make sure they understand why it’s in their best interest to listen to your feedback and act on it accordingly. If they don’t see how their behavior is actually hurting them, it will be hard to motivate them to change it.
Desired Behavior
Finally, state the behavior you’d like to see more of. The more specific you can be, the better! For example: “When you cut me off in meetings (context and current behavior), I feel undermined (effect on you). I also feel it comes across as abrasive to others (effect on others). In the future, I’d appreciate it if you let me finish what I’m saying before you share your opinion (desired behavior).”
As I wrote in Brave, “ Withholding feedback that could help someone be more successful deprives them of an invaluable opportunity to better themselves .” Sure, people may not always like what you have to say. They may not even agree with you. However, by not giving them the opportunity to hear what’s on your mind—and how their behavior impacts you, others and their own future—you’re doing everyone a profound disservice.
Shakespeare once wrote, “No legacy is so rich as honesty.” Giving critical feedback requires you to be more committed to the potential upside for the person you’re giving it to than to the potential downside for you. Don’t let fear of an awkward conversation keep you from sharing feedback that could help others grow.
Is there someone you could help today by offering them a few considerate — yet candid — words of feedback?
Come on, be brave.
Margie Warrell is a bestselling author, keynote speaker & global authority on brave leadership. Connect on Linked In, Twitter & Facebook.
Originally published at Forbes