How To Handle Negative People Who Drain The Life From You

It’s Halloween – that one night of the year when the streets come alive with an array of ghosts, goblins and strange looking creatures in creative costumes,  including the odd vampire.

Let’s face it, most of us have to deal with vampires more than once a year. Not the real kind of course, but those ‘emotional vampires’ that often look much the same as you and me but whose negativity can be life sucking, leaving you feeling drained and depleted and weary. You know the sort.  You may have had a meeting with one today!

Of course there is no magic wand or special potion to ward off all of the emotional vampires in of your life. We often don’t have a choice about the people we interact with on a daily basis. Maybe you have to work with them or work for them.  Maybe they live in the house next door, or perhaps you’re even related to one (or more) of them.

Such is life.

While you may not always have a choice about the people who occasionally spin into your orbit (or reside there permanently), you always have a choice about how you respond to them. So tip number one on how to deal with emotional vampires is pretty simple:

Don’t be one.

While this Halloween themed column is not about the energy you put out – I’ve written others on that! – it IS about refusing to get pulled down to the point where you complain or wallow in self-pity about the people you have to work, live or engage with professionally or socially. You can’t always choose who shows up in your life each day but you can absolutely decide how you will show up in theirs.  So practice the first lesson of self-leadership: take 100% responsibility for how you show up. Period.

Reframe triggers into teachers

I know you don’t want to hear it, but the people who trigger you the most are those who also have the most to teach you about yourself and life and offer the most valuable lessons in leadership .  As I wrote in this column, how well you deal with a difficult boss is what sets you apart from the pack.  That doesn’t mean you may enjoy their company or condone their actions. It may not mean you want to spend another minute of your life with them, but they most certainly offer you the greatest lessons on leadership, emotional management, tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness, compassion and courage. So next time you find yourself dealing with someone who is pushing your buttons, ask yourself “What lesson can I learn here?”  Who knows, it may be that they are reflecting back some unresolved issue you haven’t dealt with in yourself. Either way, don’t miss the ‘teachable moment’ they’ve just handed you… on a platter, at no charge.

Set boundaries

Research shows that many people are very unaware of how others perceive them and how they impact people around them. If someone is continually doing something that oversteps the mark or makes you or others feel a lack of respect, you may need to be quite explicit in drawing a line in the sand about what you do or don’t want to talk about, or what behaviors you will or won’t accept. Early in my career I became friends with a coworker who had a masterful way of being able to find fault with everyone and everything. She had no idea what an emotional vampire she could be as all she ever wanted to do was to complain. It went from exhausting to outright frustrating.  Eventually I mustered up my courage and said, “I’m sorry you feel this way but I’d really appreciate if you would mind not complaining to me while we’re at work. Always happy to help brainstorm solutions but I just find it weighs me down.” She took her complaining elsewhere.

Of course, if you’re dealing with someone who has no regard for your boundaries (like those of the Weinstein variety), you may need to be a little (or a lot) more strident in your language, like, “Cut it out!” or “I’m not okay with this.”  Remember, you teach people how to treat you. Predators prey on those they think they’ll be able to treat poorly with little repercussion or push back. So push back.

Hold up a mirror

Sometimes people just don’t realize how they are ‘showing up.’  It’s why sometimes, as I shared in this television interview from a few Halloweens ago, the kindest thing you can do – for them and for yourself – is to gently let them know the impact they are having on you: “When you talk like this (or about ‘insert-topic’) I can’t help but feel offended, drained, hurt etc.” – and then encourage them to focus on what they can do versus what they can’t.

As a mother of four teenagers (who have been known to complain on occasion), I practice this often.  I don’t do it to make them feel bad (though sometimes they do). but because I want them to become more mindful of how their language, actions and moods can impact those around them.  In fact, I see helping my kids learn how to be an ‘energy giver’ who can set firm boundaries with others as one of my biggest roles as a parent. (Of course they enjoy holding a mirror up to me sometimes too!)

Be willing to unfriend

You don’t always get a choice about whether to spend time with an energy taker but if you do, then give them a wide berth. Of course unfriending people you’ve spent a lot of time with over the years (or decades) can be quite awkward and sometimes really uncomfortable. You can help make things easier by simply filling your calendar with people and activities that light you up so that when they want to catch up you can, very authentically, say you are busy with other commitments, even if it’s just spending time with yourself!

Beware of ‘should’ relationships

One of the biggest mental hurdles people face when it comes to ‘unfriending’ is removing all the shoulds they have placed that have found them in this situation to begin with. By far one of the most common concerns I hear people say (particularly women) when it comes to ending relationships that are weighing them down (and certainly not adding joy to their lives), is how guilty they feel about cutting the cord. Invariably, the word should will be in that conversation. But here’s the deal: if your main reason for spending time with someone is because you think you should rather than really enjoying their company, then reflect on a) who it is you are trying to please – other people or yourself? – and b) the price you’re paying for doing so.

Sometimes we need to accept that relationships have run their course and are no longer serving our highest good. Sure we get a pay-off staying in them (from family harmony to a pay check) but is it worth what you’re giving up? (Like your sanity or happiness?)

This isn’t about burning people off or being righteous. It’s about being clear about who you want to be, both in the world and for those you love most – passionate, optimistic, kind, generous, accepting, a change maker – and who it is that will support you in being that person more often (and holding you to account when you’re not!). So enough with the should-driven relationships. Be brave and deliberate in the people you spend time with. Surround yourself with the kind of people who you want to be more like, not less like!

Practice ‘Loving Kindness’  (No matter what, go high)

What’s that I hear you say? “I’m not the Dalai Lama. I can’t possibly practice loving kindness with this arsehole!”

Oh yes you can.

That doesn’t mean you must tolerate the intolerable or let people treat you with anything less than respect. It does mean that you don’t descend to their level. It means that you act with the character, courage and compassion they may be lacking . “Hurt people hurt people,” my friend Caren once said. Likewise, people who are suffering want others to suffer with them.

Imagine what it must be like to be that person? Probably not a lot of fun. So be kind to them as you set your boundaries and fill your calendar with people and places that inspire you more. Who knows how your willingness to treat yourself with love and respect may ultimately impact them. But for now, just know that letting other people pull you down, infect your energy and siphon joy and optimism from your day isn’t serving you and it isn’t serving them either. Like Michelle Obama, “If they go low, go high.”

As I often tell my children, be the kind of person you’d like to hang out with and hang out with the kind of people you’d like to be. In the workforce, this means being the kind of person others want to have on their team or work for at some point in their career. So whoever or whatever is weighing you down right now, ask yourself, what is one think you could do right now to be someone that others want to be around, despite the vampires that may currently spinning in your orbit?